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List of contents:

Most recent tip: Don't let time pass you by!

Tip One. No Trespassing - keeping your boundaries intact!

Tip Two. Good and Bad days - how to have more good ones!

Tip Three. Don't shoot the messenger - how not to get shot!

Tip Four. Work out and work better - be more focused, make less errors!

Tip Five. Happiness - how to build your HAPNAV

Tip Six. Cracking those big projects - getting started!

Tip Seven. Believe you can or believe you can't you will be right!

Tip Eight.  Breaking The Rules

Mind Your Time and don't let time pass you by!

 It can be shocking when time passes you by and you still haven’t done the things you meant to, perhaps failed to achieve some important goals or not fully realised your ambitions. Sometimes we experience dissatisfaction with some aspect of our life or work and we want something different or yearn for more. We set out with every intention to make some changes but before we know it weeks, months or even years have passed by and things are still the same – we’ve been treading water! Personal goals and ambitions can often get neglected as other things take over in our busy lives and sometimes this happens because we have no clear markers of time and consequently don’t really notice time passing until its too late. In this months tip I want to offer you a powerful way of ‘marking time’ that can help you to get more important things done and ensure you are moving on instead of standing still. This tip does come with a warning as it’s not for the feint hearted because this can also be an important wake up call to a lack of action!

 The significance of marking time was brought home to me a few years back. For me the first day of Spring spurs me into thinking about all the outdoor things I want to do as the weather warms up and evenings get lighter. Several years ago Spring arrived and I made my plans but then before I knew it mid-summers day had come and gone and I realised with horror that few of the activities I had intended had happened – time had simply slipped by and I vowed never to let this happen again. What had made this so shockingly obvious to me was the passing of the two markers of time created by March 21st and June 21st.  This tip offers a way of ‘marking time’ to help avoid your plans sliding, to keep your goals from being neglected and to stay on course.

 Take a moment to write a brief letter to yourself that begins by writing about where you are at the moment in terms of how you feel about life, work, relationships etc. Make headline statements about what is it missing, what you are not satisfied with and what isn’t working? Next write about where you want to be in three months time, what will be different, what will have changed and how will you be feeling about life? Follow this by noting the things you will have done over the next three months to achieve what you want, note changes you will have made, actions you will have taken and goals you will have achieved. Finish by signing your letter and putting it in a self addressed stamped envelope. Give the envelope to someone with strict instructions to post in three months time (write the posting date on the envelope) and choose someone whose organisational skills you trust!  If nobody comes to mind I will be happy to do this for you – simply send it to me clearly marked with the date you want it posted.

 A friend of mine was so taken with this idea they adapted it and did it weekly! First thing Monday morning they wrote themselves a short letter listing six key things (both work and personal) they were going to get done that week. They gave the letter to their PA to post on Friday so they would receive it in next Monday mornings post. Initially the results we frightening as they discovered how often other things took over and how little of the key things they got done. Determined not to continue suffering the Monday morning disappointments they changed their approach to how they ‘ring fenced’ their time for important priorities and worked out how to use their time differently. Now their Monday mornings are a cause for celebration as the actions in their letter have been done and as a consequence they are becoming more successful at work and in life generally. Because taking action to get important things done has now become a habit for them they’ve stopped writing the letters.  It is fascinating to notice how people talk about something in a coaching session that they have been meaning to do for ages and then all of a sudden they do it, coaching has provided the catalyst to move their action from the ‘back burner’ and keep it top of their list. Regular coaching appointments can become markers of time and strengthen people’s commitment to hold themselves more accountable for their own actions and goals.

 Best wishes                                                    Jeff Gill BSc.NLPC.ICFCC.

Tip One. No Trespassing

It’s sometimes funny how everyday experiences can spark off thoughts about deeper things. I recently had an experience with neighbours about an unclear boundary between our adjoining properties that was causing confusion with access, maintenance responsibilities etc. There was no clear dividing line! We resolved this amicably by agreeing where the boundary should be and then erecting a simple fence. It was now clear and obvious. There is an interesting parallel with this situation and with experiences in work and life generally. How often do you feel others are not respecting your boundaries and trespassing on your territory?

Perhaps the simplest example of trespass is when people stand too close to us, they are literally ‘invading our space’ and we all seem to have our own unique area of space that works for us. Another example, common at work, concerns interruptions. How often do you find people interrupting when you are working on something requiring your concentration? As a consequence you may lose track or make mistakes and often have to start back at the beginning which can waste your time and energy. Interrupting is a kind of trespass although often we have not made our boundary very clear to others. Too often we expect others to respect our boundaries in the hope they are obvious, we draw them vaguely in a kind of invisible ink and trust the rest to telepathy! The ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign that you can choose to put on your hotel room door is a good example of a boundary made clear! When we don’t set clear boundaries and moan or get angry when people trespass we can end up acting like a ‘victim’. “It’s not fair” “Poor me” “Why me”? “Why doesn’t so and so understand me and know what I want”? You can take control by making your boundaries clear, think of this like the example at the beginning where a fence is erected to make the line crystal clear for others to see and respect. This is not about shutting others out because effective boundaries also have clear gateways, in other words they spell out what is OK as well as what isn’t. For example with interruptions at work you may choose to set a boundary that requests no interruptions between certain times then adopt an ‘open’ door policy outside of those times. Having clear boundaries is an essential capability of self-leadership, it demonstrates how we make choices and is an important ingredient to being in control of our lives and work. A leader who has clear boundaries is also presenting a model for others in how they could choose to run their lives!

Ironically it can often be those closest to us who trespass most significantly. Friends or family who phone too frequently or at bad times, or who ‘out stay’ their welcome, make unwanted comments, visit unexpectedly, expect too much, coerce us to do things only they want to do, or just never shut up! - just give me some peace and quiet. Because these people are close to us we may not make our boundaries clear, usually because we are concerned about offending or upsetting or maintaining approval. The justification, explained as ‘I don’t want to hurt their feelings’, may often neglect our own needs and feelings! When someone trespasses and we haven’t been direct and honest enough to set a clear boundary then our concerns may ‘leak out’ in other ways. For example our tone of voice or body language may suggest something is wrong but leaves the other person feeling confused because we haven’t explicitly said what is wrong. We then wonder why people don’t read the signs and pick up on our displeasure and continue to keep on trespassing. We may say “They should know better”, but why should they know if we haven’t explicitly told them? How much better might it be if you simply set a clear boundary that is true to yourself and avoided the internal grief that can go with not being honest. For example with inconvenient phone calls you could choose to spell out the frequency and times when you do want to be phoned or even turn this round to don’t call me I will call you!

While interruptions at work and unwanted phone calls can be annoying and time consuming other kinds of trespass may effect us more deeply. I have noticed that one of the worst kinds of trespass often relates to being given unwanted feedback or advice. Here are some work based examples although this could be just as relevant outside of work - have you ever experienced anything similar?

A colleague or manager says to you “Let me give you some feedback” (presupposition that they are going to give this to you whether you want it or not). The person concerned then continues to give you feedback that surprises you, seems personal, is not at the right time and from your perspective unwanted – it goes straight to the heart and leaves you feeling low.

Another example relate to advice. “Let me give you some advice” (again the presupposition is that they are going to give this anyway) followed by “What you should do is …..” or “If I was you I would …..” or “You really should/must do ……” Other peoples advice can of course be useful but equally at times can be like wearing someone else’s clothes!

Unwanted feedback or advice can be very intrusive trespass. If you don’t want it then you have both the right and the choice to politely erect your fence, including gateways as appropriate. For example you could say “No thanks, I don’t want feedback/advice right now, I will let you know if and when I want it”. If the person wanting to give you feedback or advice is both skilful and aware they would ask your permission before even starting, this makes it easier for you as the potential receiver to set your boundary if you want to and to know it will be respected. As you now start to think more about trespass there may be many other examples coming to mind such as, betraying trust, prying questions, certain behaviours that may conflict with values or beliefs, noise, actions towards others and so on. Here is a story that I think captures the concept of trespass and boundaries perfectly, it comes from someone who I was coaching last year who is happy to share this information.

Sharon (pseudonym) is co-director of a successful IT company. She felt very in control at work, was outstanding in her role and highly respected by colleagues and customers. Outside of work however it was a somewhat different story and a part of her life she was less satisfied with. As the story unravelled she realised that the way people spoke to her at work was quite different to the way her partner spoke to her at home. At work the language used by colleagues was polite, positive and most importantly respectful. While at home in spite of being in a happy and loving relationship there was something about the way her partner spoke to her particularly in front of others that for Sharon was disrespectful and made her feel less valued. The words were being said in fun and there wasn’t any negative intention on behalf of her partner but for Sharon it was trespass! For example her partner would say things to her in front of others like “You’ve forgotten to put the corkscrew in the bag again, you know you are a real scatter brain” or “Sorry we’re late everyone but Sharon took the wrong turning, sometimes my wife can’t find her way to her own home”. They are only words said in fun but for Sharon it hurt, and mostly because it couldn’t be further from the truth. At work she was regarded as a clear thinker who could find solutions to tricky problems, she never forgot things and her track record was so impeccable that others would often go to her for help to think more clearly. As Sharon thought about this more during one of her coaching appointments she began to realise that her boundary being trespassed here was not about being told she had forgotten the corkscrew or being told she had taken a wrong turning, she really didn’t mind these words being said and could see the funny side. The trespass was in the ‘throw ‘ away remarks that were often added to the words about her mistakes – words like ‘scatter brain’, can’t find her way etc. It was these throw away remarks she found disrespectful. Once she realised this she was able to set a very clear boundary to her partner about what was OK to say in public (and in private) and what wasn’t, like most men he had no idea his humour was back firing! He was both embarrassed and apologetic and only too pleased to respect Sharon’s boundary in the future - now he knew where it was!

It is also important to draw attention to self-trespass. This is where we intrude on our own boundaries, for example when we behave or think in a way that is in conflict with our values – we are somehow dishonouring the things we really care about and not living our lives in a way that is being true to ourselves. Being true to yourself and living your life in a way that best honours your values is a real key to happiness and fulfilment.

Whether we have a good day or bad day is often more about how we think about things rather than about what is actually happening. The meaning we choose to make of one event can set us up for the rest of the day in either a positive or negative frame of mind. We do have a choice, and as you read on this is important information that many of the people who I coach have already found to be extremely valuable and have used with excellent results. Please feel free to pass this on to others. People can sign up now for the monthly tips and quarterly Coaching Tips and Topics by filling in the box at the top of this page.

As you go on now to read this tip it will probably take you two minutes and your time well spent will be worthwhile. So here is your tip about optimism … We are what our thoughts make us! There is now overwhelming evidence that shows that optimism is healthier than pessimism. (Kobassa, Bandura and Seligman et al) Not only is a positive outlook healthier it also helps you to be more successful, have greater resilience to stress, be better able to cope under pressure, be more inspiring to others and generally a more pleasant person to be around!

Optimism and pessimism can be considered as chains of thought that relate to the future and structure our thinking about what we predict may happen in response to some event in our lives. When I am discussing optimism and pessimism with people the question of realism often arises. It is interesting that pessimists when challenged about their negativity often reply by saying they are simply being realistic. Likewise the optimist when challenged about being overly positive also says they are just being realistic! So who is right? Well the fact is that we cannot predict the future anyway so neither is right - as yet! However our thoughts about the future can become self-fulfilling prophesies. So on balance if you think the worst not only is this draining your energy but you are kind of programming yourself to make the worst more likely to happen, think more positively about future outcomes then you are making them more likely to become reality.

So how can you consistently maintain optimistic and positive thoughts (have more good days!) particularly when under pressure or when things are more difficult? The answer lies partly in understanding the structures behind your thinking and knowing how to adjust these to hold more of the kind of thoughts that you want – the ones that empower you to succeed and are good for your health! In coaching I often use the idea of thought chains to help people explore their thinking and discover their own ways of adjusting their less useful patterns of thought. Thought chains work in the following way and I am going to illustrate this with an experience from a coaching client who is happy to share this.

It begins with a real event, to this event our minds can then make up future possible scenarios that are linked together like a chain. These chains of imagined future possibilities can follow a more optimistic direction or a more pessimistic direction depending on our general de-fault way of thinking and also depending on just how we are feeling at the time. (and by the way the more we practice a particular way of thinking the better we get at it!)

Here is the real experience to illustrate. Fred (pseudonym) arrives to deliver a presentation to a management meeting, he is first there and has plenty of time to set up his PowerPoint presentation equipment. He tested everything at home the night before so he knows it works however this morning once everything is set up he gives it a quick run to check and to his horror it doesn’t work ( I am sure you can relate to similar experiences in your own life, in fact I have had an identical experience!)

Fred feels his stomach churning and heart pounding, he quickly tries all the things he knows but to no avail and there is no one else to help. He realises that he will have to go ahead with his presentation without his prepared PowerPoint although he did have the foresight to have some key points on a flip chart and everything copied onto handouts. As he sits there pondering the rest of the morning his thoughts begin to wander and unfortunately on this occasion they take a pessimistic direction. This is exactly what happened that day for Fred. In response to the equipment failure (real event, sh..t happens!) Fred now links together in his mind a series of imagined pessimistic possibilities – hence a thought chain. Here are Fred’s thoughts from that morning which as you will see go from bad to worse – it was easy for Fred to see this in hindsight, but our thoughts ‘in the moment’ are often less rational than we think:

1. Equipment fails – real event because it did happen

Apart from the initial very real equipment failure all the rest of the events are imagined, Fred has done a great job of setting himself up to fail, he feels anxious, negative and his body language is a window to his thoughts.

So what could Fred have done and how could you use this information to either assist yourself or others. The first step is to recognise what your brain is doing, be aware of your thought chains and how they are working either for you or against you. The aim once aware is to create another possible thought chain, a more optimistic one, to run in parallel with the pessimistic one and ultimately for this new chain to become the more dominant pathway. Begin to do this by questioning the meaning you are making of events and challenging the links (loosening the connections) in the following way:

In this example the equipment failure (real) has been linked to managers being bored (imagined).

1. Ask yourself “How does this lead to that, is that the only possible outcome, will that always be the case?” Consider other angles, for example one could say that many people now find PowerPoint as boring as the older OHP’s and therefore not having PowerPoint could be a positive advantage!

2. Ask yourself “So what could be another possibility?” One possible alternative could be that with a less formal presentation managers may ask more questions without feeling they are interrupting.

3. Continue to challenge other links further on in the chain, for example “How does messing up one presentation mean that I will lose my job?” “ This could mean that I get a ticking off but may also mean I could use the opportunity of meeting with the MD to talk about my recent success in improving so and so”.

4. As you begin to loosen the links and create other possible outcomes (remember none of this is real anyway so you may as well make up something useful) you can start to build an alternative chain of possibilities that is more optimistic and positive. At least now there is some better balance to the thought structures. To develop this further you can now start asking questions like “What would I like this to mean that would be more useful and would support me?” This is often called reframing. Some time ago the very same thing happened to me I turned it into a great opportunity to explore some different ways of presenting and expanding my flexibility.

The above example is about giving a presentation and is simply there to illustrate how thought chains work. It could apply to anything and you can easily adapt this to fit any kind of event that is relevant for you or for others. I recently heard a great example of powerful reframing on a TV documentary. A man with a promising career had been hit by a car and was now unable to work and in some ways disabled. He reframed the meaning of this experience for himself by saying that before in his job he had been working long hours and spent little time with his family but now he could spend lots of quality time with his family. He could find the positive in the negative. If you have any examples or similar stories you want to share then please feel free to email me at info@betterbalance.co.uk

For those of you wondering what actually happened to the remainder of Fred’s morning here is the rest of the story. Not surprisingly with that kind of thought chain running Fred struggled from the start, however a colleague recognising what was going on very quickly came to his rescue by saying that they really liked the first point Fred had made and began some constructive debate to take the spotlight off Fred for a while. Fred’s morning didn’t turn out perfectly but on balance was not so bad and nothing resembling the chain of disasters in Fred’s pessimistic thought chain. Strangely I have often noticed this to be the case!

Tip Three. ‘How not to get shot’

Tip Four. WORK OUT & WORK BETTER

Let me tease you with a business proposition! If you could do something for just twenty minutes a day that would improve your judgement, reasoning, awareness and perception, and it cost nothing – would you be interested? Might you be even more interested if you knew this would help you make fewer errors, better decisions, be more focused and improve your executive control (ability to achieve goals in changing environments). And what if I also told you that this twenty minute investment in yourself would make you healthier, happier and sexier! Read on to discover more!

Dan Landers, a professor of kinesiology, explains that exercise improves cognitive functioning and benefits can be gained by all ages and every brain. For example Dr Phillip Tomorowski evaluated 43 studies using bouts of vigorous cycling and found that mental performance improved significantly post exercise compared with pre exercise. Dopamine and epinephrine, our bodies neuro-transmitters, enhance communication between key areas of the brain and are shown to climb during physical activity. After exercise other neurochemicals take over to make this effect long lasting. A further study compared a group of subjects who ran for thirty minutes twice a week for six weeks with a group who didn’t run. Tests to measure concentration showed the runners scored significantly better than the non-runners and there were still positive effects twelve weeks after they stopped running. Cameron Herold, CEO of a global business, uses exercise to increase his mental ability “When I’m running I get into a zone that allows me to solve problems” he says. He takes this one stage further and incorporates this thinking into his recruitment policy “We look to hire fit people because we find them more focused and engaged”

Many organisations spend considerable amounts of time and money on executive training to enhance the thinking ability of their leaders and managers. It might be argued that this could be better spent on assisting their people to make positive life style changes that would not only improve their ability to achieve goals and think more clearly at work but would also improve their health and reduce stress. In coaching I often find it is the simple and practical steps that achieve significant benefits over time. Many people I coach tell me that as a result of incorporating more exercise into their life style they have achieved a greater sense of well being and can think more clearly at work. For example one client said “By simply walking to work instead of driving I find I am more alert, can concentrate better, do certain jobs in half the time and I’m less ‘ratty’ with my colleagues”.

You can prove this for yourself with the ‘Stroop’ mental function test. Write the following words in capitals in a line like this:

BLUE PURPLE GREEN REDWrite the word blue in green ink, purple in red, green in purple and red in blue. Test yourself before and after your chosen 20 minute physical activity by quickly naming the colour of the ink in which the word is written rather than the colour that the word names – compare before and after! The exercise needs to be quite vigorous for maximum effect, so do work up to this, warm up and stretch before and check with your Doctor if you have concerns. You could even try something a little different for your next business meeting. Rather than sitting round the board room table wrestling with a decision or trying to solve a tricky problem instead try going for a brisk walk together and continuing your meeting on the ‘hoof’!

Tip Five.  Happiness - How to build your HAPNAV!

Today I want to offer you the opportunity to create your own practical Navigation Aid for Greater Happiness (HAPNAV for short!) – a powerful tool for making better decisions and to help with planning the kind of future you really want. This is also particularly valuable information if you or someone you know is currently facing change in their life or work. This tip involves ‘making something’ – your HAPNAV tool, consequently there are some detailed instructions so you may want to print this email for future reference or keep it somewhere safe.

 Happiness has featured a lot in the media recently which is good to see however I am concerned that the subject is being dealt with a little superficially. True happiness comes from living our lives in keeping with our values, which in turn leads to a sense of real purpose and ultimately the deep feeling of fulfilment. Happiness is priceless and is this perhaps why many rich people still seem unhappy? As we navigate our way through life we make choices about which way to go, decisions about which path to take –shall I turn left, turn right or go straight on? Sometimes these will be decisions to some of life’s bigger questions like “What career do I want?” “Where do I want to live?” “How do I want to spend my time?” “Who do I want to share my life with?” “How many children (if any) do I want?”   Other decisions relate to more day to day questions like “What to eat tonight?” “Shall I watch TV or play sport?” “Do I continue this argument or make up?” “Work late or have more time at home”?  “Shall I have a holiday or a new kitchen”?  Whether big or small decisions the answers we select to life’s questions will map out our pathway and with every twist and turn we are shaping the life we live. What’s it like for you when you look back on where you have been and notice what you’ve done and what you’ve achieved? What’s it like when you look forward to your next few years or contemplate the here and now? How well is your navigation working for you?

 An indication that our navigation is working for us may be a sense that we feel on course. This sense of it ‘working’ mostly comes from living in a way that is honouring our values and as a result we feel happier and more fulfilled. On the other hand if the result of the choices we make is that we are navigating a pathway taking us further away from our values then we are unlikely to be truly happy. It may feel like something is wrong or missing from our lives, we can feel disconnected and not true to ourselves.

 So by using your values to inform your choices and decision making as well as to guide your plans for the future you can pick the pathways that take you closer to true happiness and fulfilment – you can be on course to shape the kind of life you want to look back on as well as the life you want right now and in the future.  Navigating by values instead of navigating by stars!

 How to build your HAPNAV.

 Start by being clear about your values, these represent the things that really matter to you, the things you really care about. You can begin to notice what these are by considering the following questions and as you do so create a list. Don't worry about getting it "right" and capturing all your values.  Your list will be work in progress.  Also, your values don't have to be a single word -- they could be strings of words or sentences.  Find the words that work for you.

 ( I will put some examples in italics to illustrate but remember your values are your own and are what makes  you, YOU, while it can be interesting to borrow someone else’s values it is most useful to discover more about your own).

 Thinking about the following FOUR areas will help you to create your list of values.

 1.) What is important to you?  What do you care about?  What do you want in your life?

 2.) When do you feel happiest?  Select a time from your personal history when you felt particularly fulfilled. It may have been a few minutes, or hours, or days.  What was important about this experience?  What values were you honouring?

 Example. Early in the coaching partnership I often assist people that I am working with to become clearer about their values and to write them down. I remember once how asking someone the question “When are you at your happiest?” led them to realise that for them a particular time was in the morning when their young children came into bed with ‘mum and dad’ and there were lots of cuddles, laughter and play. As he thought more about this he realised that a core value for him was this love and closeness of the family unit.

 3.) What do you react negatively to?  What makes you angry or frustrated?  Think about one of these things.  What value is being violated? When are you not being true to yourself?    

 4.) What has been a peak experience, when you were at your best? What is important to you about this?

 For each of us, there are usually values that are so much a part of us that we don’t even think to put them on a list.   These are often our most dearly held values.  A teacher might fail to include learning, an artist might forget to write down creativity, a business owner might overlook financial success.  Often these things are so much a part of who we are, that they become invisible to us.    Example. When I recently took stock of my own values I forgot to put down the importance of where I have chosen to live which is something that really matters to me!

 Once you have your list of values (as a rough guide often people seem to have a list of between 8 and 12) you now have your basic HAPNAV, the next step is to use it to check your current position. Notice which of your values you are honouring, which “get lost” or are neglected, and which you sometimes violate through behaviours or choices. Give each value a score out of ten, eg. 10/10 is completely honouring! And 0/10 is completely neglecting. This will give you a sense of how ‘on course’ you are. Also pick out the three values that for you are real ‘core’ values. These core values often seem to stack on top of the others a bit like a pyramid.

 So far you have used your HAPNAV to take stock and chart your current position. Now you can go on to use your HAPNAV as a decision making tool and a future planner.

 HAPNAV as a decision making tool.

 Often when making decisions we only switch on one side of our brain, for example we may get too logical or rational and can ignore what is in our hearts and override our gut reaction (or visa versa). Other times we may choose pathways that make seeking approval from others a higher priority than supporting our own values and fulfilment. Using your HAPNAV will help you to achieve more balanced decisions that take better account of your own needs and desires.

 When you come to a junction (a decision making point) take some time to consider how the different pathways may honour or violate your values. Choose the pathway that best fits and keeps you most closely connected with things that are most important to you.

 I like tools that are visual and can be used ‘hands on’ because they can help us to engage all of our brain and discover different perspectives. Here is one way of creating a visual and ‘hands on’ tool with your HAPNAV.

 1. Draw a circle on A4 card and divide it into segments (you may need 8 to 12 spaces) one for each of your values. 

 2. In each segment write in one of your values and write in the score out of ten you gave in your initial stock check. Place your three core values next to each other in the three segments closest to the top of the circle.

 3. Cut out the circle and put a pin in the middle. Using another piece of A4 card next draw the various options like different forks of a path going off in different directions (there may be a number of pathways each one representing a possible decision or choice). To make this work best you need to get the spacing about right and I will leave that to your imagination.  

 4. Pin your circle to the beginning of each path and turn it slowly through each value. As each segment (and value) lines up with the path in question consider how well choosing that path will honour (or not!) that particular value and assign a new score out of ten. Jot down the scores by the pathway concerned. Pay particular attention to your three core values at the top of the circle, it is useful to find a way to ‘weight’ the scores for your core values – perhaps double them.

 5. Once you have done this then you can finally weigh up the best possible option and choose the pathway (the decision) most in line with most values (depending on how you like to do things you could add up the scores written by each path to help with the weighing up!).

 Sometimes you may notice values that appear to collide, for example if you make a decision that honours one value it may violate or neglect another, like taking time to do things for recreation or personal development which may conflict with taking time for the family.  When this happens it may suggest that the existing map of pathways is not yet offering enough choices and it could be time to ‘go off road’ and create a new pathway that could better satisfy all or most values.

 HAPNAV as a future planner.

 Notice which values you most often neglect or violate, these probably are the ones that you have given lower scores out of ten and that you feel less than satisfied with. Ask yourself what would you have to do to be able to increase these scores? – often small changes that support your core values have large positive impacts on your happiness and fulfilment.

Example. I remember coaching someone a while ago who used to be a county squash player. Late teens and early twenties he played squash everyday of the week. Ten years on with a demanding a job and young family he wasn’t playing squash at all! For him squash really mattered because it expressed being skilful at high speed under physical and mental pressure, this was something he particularly valued in himself. He realised that the course he had navigated had taken him away from this value and he was now neglecting it and feeling that something was missing from his life. He decided to start playing squash again but just once a week and it worked! He realised he no longer needed the county level competition and full on training because his life had moved on – but he did still want to play once a week and that small change made all the difference to his sense of self and happiness because it was in line with a core value.

 Also notice which values you are honouring well already but still have some room for improvement, again ask yourself what could you want to do that would further strengthen these.  For all your values start noticing the things you want to do more of or start doing, also notice the things you want to stop doing or do less of. Begin to spread these out to represent short, medium and long term. Again here is a good visual way to represent this using your HAPNAV circle.

 1. Place your circle on a larger piece of card and draw a bigger circle around it (so there is one circle inside the other).

 2. Next draw mirror images of each segment so they extend into the outer circle like points of a star or petals on a flower. You now have new segments (in reverse) that correspond to each of your original value segments in your first circle. (if you cannot see this then please email me and I will send you one to download!)

 3. In the new empty segment that sits on top of your value segments jot down the actions/goals that represent what you want in the future because they honour that value. Short term closer to the centre and long term towards the tips.

 4. In the gaps between each point of the star you can jot down the things that you may want to stop doing or do less of or alternatively begin noting how you will achieve some of the actions/goals you have chosen to commit to.

 Ultimately you can use this tool to help create a well balanced plan that encompasses all aspects of your life and if you navigate to stay on course (or close to it) you can achieve greater happiness. People have found this a particularly powerful tool at times of significant change when their thoughts are not as clear as they would like them to be.  For example when making a career change, buying or selling a business, considering retirement, buying a new house, contemplating ending a relationship. Being clear about your values is often the key to making your thoughts less chaotic and gaining the clarity to move on.

Jeff Gill Certified Executive and Life Coach

Tip Six. Cracking those big projects - getting started!

Getting started Here is a sweet and simple tip for ‘Getting Started’. Have you ever had one of those big projects or goals or perhaps an amazing idea where you really want to do it but just couldn’t seem to get started? It just sits there ‘on the back burner’, present in your mind but nothing is actually happening. There is a saying that goes ‘The best way to eat an Elephant is one mouthful at a time’ but just where do you start? If this hits a chord with you then here is one neat way of becoming clearer about some of the bite size actions needed and in particular how to get clear on that all important first step. It involves asking yourself two questions which you repeat until your Elephant is in ‘bite’ size chunks and importantly you have clarity about the first mouthful!

 The two questions to ask of your ‘big project’ are firstly “Can I do that today?” (The answer will probably be NO because we are talking big projects.) So next ask the second question which is “So what do I have to do first?” Take your answer to this second question and repeat your first question. Keep this cycle of questions going until your answers create a pathway of clear steps with a starting step that is something ‘you can actually do today’ and take this as your way of getting started – the first mouthful! To illustrate how this works I have chosen one of my big projects that hasn’t got started. For some time now I have had in mind that I want to write and publish a Children’s book, not just an engaging and readable book but one that would sow the seeds for all kinds of valuable life skills for the future. However in spite of my great intentions I just haven’t got started! So here are the questions applied to my Elephant (I have kept the answers brief and they don’t show the full picture so pay more attention to the process than the answers!)

 So my ‘big project’ is – To write and publish a Children’s Book.

 QUESTION? “Can I write and publish the book today?” ANSWER. ‘NO’

QUESTION? “What would I have to do first?”  ANSWER. “Find a Publisher”

QUESTION? “Can I do that today?” ANSWER. ‘NO’

QUESTION? “What would I have to do first?”  ANSWER. “Write a summary of the chapters”

QUESTION? “Can I do that today?” ANSWER. ‘NO’

QUESTION? “What would I have to do first?”  ANSWER. “Decide on a theme”

QUESTION? “Can I do that today?” ANSWER. ‘NO’

QUESTION? “What would I have to do first?”  ANSWER. “Choose a title”

QUESTION? “Can I do that today?” ANSWER. ‘NO’

QUESTION? “What would I have to do first?”  ANSWER. “Brainstorm some ideas to choose from”

QUESTION? “Can I do that today?” ANSWER. ‘YES’.

 So by repeating the two questions I have arrived at what looks like a realistic first step that I can actually do today. In fact this has stimulated my thinking and I have made a start on this already and jotted down a few ideas.  How about this for a possible title ‘Biskit the well sorted bear’ - what do you think?   I also now have a pathway of steps that are the beginnings of a project plan.  You may well find that as you do this it opens up a number of parallel pathways all leading to the same goal, this happened for me but I have only mentioned one pathway for simplicity. Many people find it useful to map their answers out on to a mind map or flow chart and also to put in timescales. The important thing is that all pathways to your goal now become clearer and the first step you have identified is quick and simple enough to do TODAY! Once your first step is completed you can use the same principle to re-set your plan and define further actions as and when you need to. This simple process can be applied to a wide range of areas from losing weight and getting fitter to moving house or changing career. It can also be a great tool in business, imagine for example a business meeting discussing a project that just doesn’t seem to be getting off the drawing board and where nobody seems able to make or even define a start. These are simple but powerful questions that can focus minds.  So Elephants Beware!

Tip Seven. Believe you can or believe you can’t you will be right!

 Please don’t read this tip if you don’t want your thinking challenged!

It can be easy to think that what stands in the way of what we really want is an outside influence(s), however I want to suggest that more often it is our own thinking that really stands in our way, in particular our beliefs, I am not talking here about our beliefs about religion or aliens I am referring to our beliefs about our own capabilities and what is possible in our own lives.

 There is a wonderful saying that goes “believe you can or believe you can’t you will be right”. In other words our beliefs become self-fulfilling prophesies because once we think a certain way it determines our actions, behaviours and our whole physiology. You only need to watch a top sports player or a team when they are losing. If they still have strong belief about their ability to come through and win then they will play that way, on the other hand if their belief becomes ‘wobbly’  it will show through not just in how they play but in their physiology, heads drop, shoulders droop, the eyes and facial expressions tell it all. If you are into Football you will have noticed how Wayne Rooney’s belief has faltered since the World Cup and how poorly he has been playing. Now his belief is returning all his skills seem to be coming back (they never went anywhere in the first place his limiting beliefs just suppressed them!) The power of our belief is huge, people with injuries or illnesses who hold a strong positive belief about recovery do much, much better than those who don’t. Also look at the placebo effect where sugar coated inert pills have a powerful therapeutic effect simply because people believe they are taking the real thing!

 As we go through life we collect our beliefs in many ways, from parents, school, friends and our own experiences. Beliefs can land like ‘thought viruses’ and while some will be useful because they support us to achieve what we want others can limit us. I remember personally a hospital consultation with an orthopaedic specialist. At the age of thirty I had a ‘knackered’ knee from years of high impact sports. The Consultant examined me then said I would be lucky if I was still walking in five years time let alone be engaged in sport. Fortunately I took on a different belief about the future and 20 or so years on I am still walking and engage in sports! If limiting beliefs do land or form in our minds the effect can be like a straight jacket. We can get stuck in our behaviours, can find ourselves saying ‘can’t’ too often and limit our range of possibilities and solutions. As we shift a limiting belief it can be like switching on a light, all of a sudden a much wider range of options open up to us and we can re-prioritise things in our lives to achieve more of what we want. So because beliefs are so powerful it can be valuable to carry out an overhaul of our thinking and the first step to this is becoming more aware of our beliefs and identifying what they are really about.

 Here is a great way of beginning to do this. Think of an aspect of your life either professionally or personally and think about 100% of what it is you really want. This could be anything like more money, better health, getting fitter, losing weight, more time, changing career, moving house or greater fulfilment – literally anything!

 Now take the 100% of what it is you really want and fill in the gaps in the following statement. (I will give some examples to illustrate this).

 I want to ……………..……but can’t because………………………...

 Here’s an example.

 I want to spend more time with my family but can’t because I need to work late most evenings. Then explore the ‘because’ part in more depth to see if there is a limiting belief behind it. With this example the possible limiting beliefs could be endless however here are some possibilities. I need to work late most evenings because I can’t leave things to the next morning, or because my business/work will fail if I don’t work late, or because I must set this example to others, or because I can’t get my work done during the day etc etc.

 Once you are aware of a limiting belief you can set about changing it. (remember that beliefs are not facts they are simply what we believe to be true, also if you can adopt one in the first place that doesn’t serve you well then you can just as easily choose to adopt a different one that is more useful!). There are many ways to shift limiting beliefs and because they are often based on huge generalisations a good start is to challenge the basis of the belief and begin ‘loosening’ its grip. One way to do this is by asking the following questions:

 1. What will it cost me if I continue to hold this belief for ever?

2. Do I still want to hold this belief in its current form or would I like to change it?

3. What would be more useful to believe and how might things be different if I did?

4. Can I think of any exceptions to the belief which means that it doesn’t hold true all the time and therefore would make it feel less true?

5. Where/who did the belief come from in the first place and when did I acquire it?

6. What action could I commit to taking right now that once completed will loosen the grip of this limiting belief?

 I was coaching someone recently who became aware of a limiting belief that was holding them back in business (and in life generally). They were highly creative and their very creativity was at the heart of their business. However for them the ‘devil was in the detail’ and they often seemed to miss out crucial bits of information or overlook small points that were of significance. This was holding them back in some key areas of their business.

For them the statement read “I want to make my business more successful but can’t because I keep missing out essential details”. As they explored this further they became aware of a limiting belief which was that ‘Creative people don’t have an eye for the detail’. Now where on earth does that come from? With further examination they quickly realised that there were occasions when they had been very good at thoroughly checking the details but their belief that they couldn’t was almost becoming an excuse for their less than desired performance. So with a good excuse to call on they kept on doing it! However as their belief loosened and the excuse became less plausible they stopped using it and quickly proved to themselves and others that they could be good at ‘the detail’ all of the time!  And finally watch out for limiting beliefs forming in children, unfortunately many seem to ‘land’ at school and if you notice them quickly you can loosen them right at the start. My six year old daughter came back from school the other day and said she was rubbish at art! We quickly explored it together to nip that particular ‘thought virus’ in the bud.

 I hope you have enjoyed this tip and will find it valuable for yourself or for others. If you have any questions or comments please do feel free to email me at  info@betterbalance.co.uk   and you can receive the latest tips by simply adding your email to the box on www.betterbalance.co.uk

 Best wishes                                                               Jeff Gill Certified Executive and Life Coach

Tip Eight.  Breaking The Rules

Rules are part of life, from an early age onwards our lives are shaped by rules at home, at nursery, at school and eventually at work. There are rules in our society, rules of the road, social etiquette and so on. Importantly there is also another kind of rule that effects our lives and these are the ones we create ourselves which can therefore be considered as self-imposed. These rules are often connected to our values although that connection can get lost over time as circumstances change. They often start as repeated behaviours that then become habits and eventually become rules we live by. Some of these self imposed rules serve us well but some don’t and can get in the way of our progress. They may also present barriers not just to individual change but also to change in teams or indeed whole organisations.

 Let me give you two examples from my own life. I have a very physical side to my ‘nature’ and this forms one of my core values. Because of this I do three forms of vigorous exercise each week (swimming, gym or canoeing for example). This has become a habit and so much so that now it is one of my ‘unwritten rules’ for how I choose to spend part of my time.  Even when I’m busy and even if I am not keeping up with work I still follow this self imposed rule! On balance though I would say that this rule generally serves me well even though there is the odd time when it doesn’t! In contrast however I have another self imposed rule that is about meal times. The way our ‘home’ life works I do the school runs and also cook most evening meals. As a family we generally aim to eat early at 5pm because it fits with bed times etc. For me this meal time started as a habit and now it has become a rule (a deadline!) that may not always serve me (or others) well. The fact is that it doesn’t really matter whether meal time is 5 o’clock or quarter past or on occasions even half past, however if it was later than 5pm it would be breaking my rule!  Because of this I will often rush to get home to start preparing dinner, I prepare meals at a speed that would put a commercial chef to shame and I perhaps miss out on doing other more spontaneous things before getting down to preparing dinner.  While this habit started off serving values of mine I think it has now lost its way and probably at times means I neglect some core values. As you read this you may be becoming aware of some ‘self imposed rules’ that govern your life. Do they still serve you well or not? What might you gain if you chose to stop following a rule that no longer serves you? 

 If you are noticing any ‘rules’ that don’t serve you then you may decide right now to ‘break them’.  Doing this is a simple matter of having permission. Think of other rules in your life when on occasion you may ask someone for permission to break them, for example because of special circumstances you may ask to be excused from a rule about starting time at work or about wearing uniforms etc.  In this way your self imposed rules are no different except that rather than asking someone else for permission you have to ask yourself to gain your own permission to break them – it’s that simple. Think of all the aspects of life where self imposed rules could be relevant. For example leaving work late because we have to get everything done before we can go home, or being last out of the office to set an example, or always having Sunday lunch with the in laws, going on holiday with friends or family, always going away/ staying home for Xmas, cleaning the car every Saturday morning, watching the same TV programmes, drinking too much at parties, wearing certain clothes, behaving in certain ways etc etc.  It is perhaps interesting to note how many self imposed rules link to days, fish on Fridays, weekly shop on Saturdays, coffee first thing in the morning, roast dinner on Sunday and even sex on Saturday night! (I’m joking). These rules can serve a purpose of creating order or helping to plan our lives but they can also become stifling. Too many rules applied too rigidly can make us stiff and inflexible. We may even hear people acknowledge these rules in their language when they make statements like “As a rule I don’t eat meat” or “As a rule of thumb I open the post and have a coffee before seeing anyone”.  In coaching I sometimes notice people talking about how routine or mundane their lives have become.